In the past seven weeks since our Tiger was born, I’ve learned, felt and experienced more than I had in the past thirty years of my life. Here are just some of the things I’ve learned:
- All the parenting things you were adamant about before giving birth fly out the window as soon as the baby comes. Tess was never going to wear pink. I was never going to call her “princess” and I was never going to refer to myself as “mummy”. Fail, fail, fail.
- The house will not be clean. Ever. Again.
- Babies poo as soon as you take their nappy off. Ditto wee. And little girl wee CAN squirt up, down, left, right, and amazing distances.
- There is, like Tennis Elbow, Athlete’s Foot and RSI, such a thing as “Baby Cuddling Wrist”, especially when you have a baby as cuddly as ours.
- You’ll never love your husband more than when you see him hugging your child.
- A vomit is only a vomit if it is massive. Otherwise it’s a “spill” or a “posset”.
- Poos, wees, burps and farts are all praise-worthy actions.
- Babies fart a lot.
- Baby fart smells really bad.
- Conversely, breast-fed baby poo smells actually not too bad.
- Baby wipes can be used for EVERYTHING.
- Ditto botty butter.
- Your ability to make anything into a song increases exponentially once you’re a mother. “What’s going on in the nappy? What’s going on in the nappy? What’s going on, what’s going on, what’s going on in the nappy? Tessa did a poo in the nappy, Tessa did a poo in the nappy. Tessa did a poo, Tessa did a poo, Tessa did a poo in the nappy. Now she’s pooing again, Now she’s pooing again. All over my hands, all over my hands, now she’s pooing again …”
- Babies make zombie noises and do Exorcist eyes.
- The above is surprisingly cute.
- Babies make so much noise when they’re sleeping. Most of it is to do with things going on in the nappy.
- Writing, editing, reading, eating can ALL be done while breastfeeding!
- Your capacity for love grows and grows until you think your heart will explode but it never does.
- Kissing baby heads, chins, ears and cheeks is the BEST FUN!
- Nothing else will ever matter to you as much as your child or children. Nothing.
There are a million more things I could add to that list, but another thing I’ve learned is: having a baby turns your brain to custard and makes you randomly stop speaking in the middle of …
So I’ll stop there.
What have you learned since becoming a mother or father?