Inspired by “The Big Fat Lie of the Author Bio” (http://www.ellenpotter.com/journal/2010/7/26/the-big-fat-lie-of-the-author-bio.html) and several other super takes on honest author bios, I decided I’d write my own version! Just for frame of reference, here is my actual bio – the one you’ll see inside Daisy Blue:
Kate was born and raised on the North-West Coast of Tasmania, in a town that’s known for tulips and a cape that’s shaped like a table, and where you can get the best fish and chips in the world. She is a former children’s librarian and is currently managing the children’s and YA section at Fullers Bookshop, Hobart, where she is known to Hobart youngsters as ‘Miss Cackle’, fearless leader of the Fullers Ferrets.
Kate trained to be an actor but she wasn’t really very good at it. She writes on her couch, in the early morning before work, with her cat, Mephistopheles “Danger” Gordon sitting behind her head making funny noises at birds.
Kate spends most of her time with her nose in a book (she really likes the way they smell), but when she’s not reading or writing, she likes bending herself into funny positions doing yoga, watching movies, playing Scrabble and listening to music you can headbang to. She has lots of scars because she is a klutz. She can’t ride a bike, whistle, click her fingers or wink!
It’s actually a pretty honest bio, but this one is more so:
Kate is 28 but mostly behaves like a silly sixteen-year-old. She spends far too much time writing songs for her cat (todays’ song was “Shuddup your face”, and Mephy meowed in the “hey” bits. Cleverest boy!), and has a secret crush on Bruce Springsteen, Willie Nelson, Russell Brand, James May and every lead singer of a power or progressive metal band. She also has an enormous crush on one lead singer of a death metal band, Mikael Akerfelt*. His sexy Swedish voice makes her melt. Every morning, when it’s time to shower and go to her day job, she says (in the mode of Can’t Touch This): “Stop! Shower time”. She is obsessed with the TV show, QI. Her husband wishes she would organise the cupboards, stop buying books, not obsessively rub her tummy every time she stands up, put the mail somewhere sensible and stop putting smelly things around the house. She goes to bed at 9:30 pm like an old person and cannot form coherent sentences after 8:30.
Kate likes it when pretty people do embarrassing things, like when the gorgeous, polished, impossibly fit girl farted in her yoga class this morning. Sometimes, she pokes her tongue out at customers behind their backs. She has a kangaroo dance, which she does in the car to freak out other car passengers. She knows just about every line in the Minnie Driver movie, Circle of Friends. She loves metal music about geeky things like Lord of the Rings. She has a recurring dream about being chased by the Grand High Witch from The Witches. She is annoyingly pedantic about using words correctly. She writes because she’s good at literally nothing else. She can’t whistle, click her fingers, wink, ride a bike, cook (apart from poached eggs, which she is AWESOME at and wants to make every night just to show how AWESOME she is at it), drive a car, do the splits or sing in tune. She was a teenager before she learned to blow her nose properly (before she did she just used to make a throat noise so people who think she could blow it) If she couldn’t write she would, literally, turn to mush.
Now tell me. What’s your honest author bio?